Happy Festivus One and All

Fieldville -

A Festivus Repost from 09
Happy Festivus one and all from:

The Dear Supreme Leader, Biff, Frank the Head Druid, the Mayor of Cattown, The entire reconstituted Council of Proctors, Citizens and Residents, of all Zones, the Smith Family Values : Dick, Jane, Sally, Daddy, and of course Sailor Boy, and even from the Artists District.

HAPPY FESTIVUS and a very MERRY PLANTING SEASON.

Summer is almost here!!!!

Thanks for your support - send any proof of intelligent life in the Senate, and tweets to @cjswift

Grimy Claws is Coming to Town - Soon

Fieldville - As the sun continues to disappear, Grimy Claws is coming to town.  Citizen children know that he knows when they are sleeping and knows when they are awake, he knows when they are good or bad - so they hide under the bed for goodness sake.

If Grimy Claws sees his shadow tomorrow the sun will disappear forever!

Grimy is Coming

Get under the bed...

Spotted near the North Pole...

Undead Evil-Doer Zombie Attacks Biff

No Biff, no! Do not let the evil-doer zombie eat your brain!

Fieldville - Today, Biff was attacked by the evil-doer zombie, who remains undead, but dedicated to eating Biff's brain.  While Biff struggled with the zombie his new assistant Jerry played a few riffs to buck him up.

Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader - Tristmegistus Announces Biff's New Assistant

Fieldville - Today Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader Tristmegistus announced Biff's new assistant - Jerry.  While Biff is out of Fieldville trying to catch Grimy Clause before he wreaks his annual havoc, Jerry will see to Biff's regular taxation duties.

Thanks for your support

Prepare a Place Under Your Bed

Time for all citizen children to prepare a safe place under their beds for Biff's return on Solstice Night.

Better Citizens Power Up

Fieldville - The better class of citizens are powering up this year for the upcoming solstice celebrations.  While citizen children hide under their beds to escape the Wrath of Biff, residents of the Artists' District gather in their homes and place weapons on their doorsteps for Biff to take to citizens' houses.

Good citizens are powering up for soltice.

Deluxe Kitchenette Studio Apartment Now on the Market

Now available for Fieldville residents with proper ID

Kitchenette includes towels

Porch Boy™ Real Estate Management Offerings

Fieldville - Porch Boy™ Real Estate Management, a wholly own subsidiary of the Porch Boy family of corporations is sharing the rare rental properties located outside of the Artists' District.  Today's offering is a cute little three family three room apartment complete with sink.  Reasonable terms* 3,000 cobs per occupant.

 *Three month deposit, one month cleaning deposit, no food, no phone, no pets, must provide own light bulbs, water, heat, and electric. Must present at time of inquiry a current Fieldville ID, a valid Justice and Taxes background check, and indemnify Porch Boy against any and all damages during and after the period of rental.

All this could be yours.

Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader - Tristmegistus Models New Proctor Headgear

Fieldville - Today the palace release an image of Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader wearing the new Proctorial headgear for this season.

This season's proctorial headgear

Hotel Fieldville Institutes New Policy

Fieldville - Hotel Fieldville instituted a new policy of no sheets no bugs.  After a spate of bed bug complaints Hotel Fieldville has removed all the sheets and mattresses from its rooms to better serve its clients.  They later plan to have a bed bug sniffing roach to find any extraneous vermin.

Bed bugs are a thing of the past at Hotel Fieldville

Council of Proctors Orders New Impenetrable Fence Built

Fieldville - Tired of evil-doers coming across the Free Territories of Fieldville border, they ordered an impenetrable fence be built to keep Fieldville citizens safe from evil-doing, poor moral hygiene, and non-appreciation of what the better citizens do for their lessers by being their lessors.

Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader suggests electrifying Fieldville's new fence.

☉ur ⊃ear ≾upreme ∟eader appears without his clothes

Fieldville - Today Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader appeared at Mud Lake without his clothes. He left Fieldville early today to take advantage of the unseasonable warm weather.

Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader appeared without his clothes at Mud Lake.

Artist's Concept of the new FFSSS now being readied

Fieldville - After last months announcement that Fieldville would enter the space race against Cattown, citizens and residents alike have been wondering what the "Fieldville Free States Star Ship" would look like.  Below is an artist's concept of the officers galley and three officers relaxing smoking Cob Cigarettes and drinking Grimy Tea, both fine products of the Porchboy Family of Corporations, Inc.

[Above] officers enjoy Cob Cigarettes and Grimy Tea on their way to the stars.

First Proctor Trading Card Released Today

Front

Back

Thanks for your support



New Council of Proctors Photo Now Available

Fieldville - The Council of Proctors announced today, they have a new photograph of themselves available to the public.  It was noted that the popular trading cards of each individual proctor will be available for the holiday shopping season.

Trading cards will be available for the holidays - collect your favorites, collect them all.

Council of Proctors Introduces a New Citizen Class

Fieldville - The Council of Proctors today declared a new class of citizen for Fieldville.  The Proctor of Justice and Taxes said, "We just have too many citizens that are well, how do I say this, better than the others. They deserve better than the lower class of citizen and to enjoy more privileges than the rabble. We decided to call them the Criminally Exempt Order."

Porchboy's new CEO says, "we sell to the rabble, we aren't the rabble."

The Council of Proctors will call the Criminally Exempt Order CEOs for short.  The head of the Porchboy Family of Corporations, Incorporated was named the first CEO by the council.

Porch Boy™ Sues Bag O' Glasses for Trademark Infringement

Fieldville - Porchboy™ filed papers at the palace today for unfair use of a trademarked name and confusion among consumers.  Bag O' Glasses could raise a question in a consumer's mind whether Bag O' Glasses is somehow related to the beloved children's toy Bag O' Glass™.

Thanks for your support

Bag O' Glasses CEO Unveils New Improved Business Plan

Fieldville - The CEO of Bag O' Glasses unveiled today, a new improved business plan. Buoyed, by the Council of Proctors enactment of the Freedom Through Budget Reduction Act, Bag O' Glasses CEO, Monty Banks said, "We were looking at how we could reduce employee benefits and salaries, and it just hit us - JUST GET RID OF THE EMPLOYEES.  First we thought that we could sell it as a new safety feature, but then we decided that we would pitch it as a new richer customer experience."  Starting today, all Bag O' Glasses kiosks will be fully automated.

Newly automated Bag O' Glasses kiosk at the Fieldville's East Side Strip Mall

Thanks for your support.

Bureau of Budget Reduction

Fieldville - Today, the Council of Proctors enacted the Freedom Through Budget Reduction Act. This new law will allow citizens to enjoy their inalienable right to low budgets and moral hygiene. The Freedom Through Budget Reduction Act calls for a slight 10% tax increase in order to pay for the addtional Justice and Taxes Enforcers who will be needed to assure citizen freedom.

Freedom through budget reduction.

Strange Craft Seen in Skies

Fieldville - Strange craft have been spotted in the skies near Cattown. Watch this space for needed budget reductions to eliminate this threat.

Cattown Evildoers are causing further budget reductions in Fieldville!

Porchboy Introduces the Urban Collection

Fieldville's Newest Citizen Full Sure Proud of Herself

A'fore You Cook Another Opposum - See What Porchboy Offers.

Porchboy Industries™, also doing business as the Porchboy Family of Companies, Incorporated™, Equxox Brand Security Systems™, and GrimyPopXXSugar™, has introduced the Kitchen-Liner™, a fully automatic oven range for citizen homemakers.  Just pop in a fully prepared meal in any of the Kitchen-Liner's convenient compartments, and watch your meal almost prepare itself.

Now with a decorative panel that comes in either white or red. 

Council of Proctors Awards New Power and Magic Contract

Fieldville - Today the Council of Proctors awarded an new fifty year contract to the Reddy Kilowatt Corporation™, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Porchboy Corporation of Companies™, to provide power and magic to Fieldville.

Power and magic to be provided by the Reddy Kilowatt Corporation™

Fieldville Municipal Archaeologist Reconstructs the Headless Goddess of Luck

Fieldville - The Municipal Archaeologist has produced an "Artist's Conception" of how the Headless Goddess of Luck may have looked in the distant past.  Many members of Local 23 of the International Brotherhood of the Druidic Path argue that Fieldville may be as old as one hundred and twenty-two years, but most citizens dismiss that number as preposterous.  As a citizen said today at the Cob Cafe, "It defies logic to think that anything could be older than a hundred years, just show me the proof."

Artist's Conception of the Headed Goddess of Love

New Spotlight/Camera Tower Installed in Cob Park

Fieldville - The Council of Proctors today ordered a new Spotlight/Camera tower to be erected in Cob Park.  The installation of the tower is a direct result of the council's concern that their latest decree will not be followed.  Labeled as the "NO" decree by residents of the Artists' District, it states that there will be NO fall clean up this year in Fieldville.  Understandably, the residents of the Artists' District are furious as it will deprive them of their source of plastic toys and furniture for a full six months until next judgement day when the sun comes back to Fieldville.  The Spotlight/Camera will assure that no one from the Artists' District will be plying the streets of the Citizen Zone looking for their treasured trash.

No trash day for the residents of the Artists' District this year!

Fieldville Citizens Prepare for Loss of Sunlight

Fieldville - With the upcoming 6 month loss of sunlight, Fieldville citizens have begun their year preparations for the "Season of Darkness".  From the palace staff to the lowest resident of the Artists' District, kitchens across the Free Territories of Fieldville are working overtime to assure that pork famine during the Second Cattown War, won't happen again.

MMM, mmm Parson's Nose Pie!

Local 34 of the Brotherhood of the Thaumaturgic Path Called to Citizen's Home

Breaking News - Local 34 of the Brotherhood of the Thaumaturgic Path called to citizen's home to investigate the appearance of numerous satanic objects stuck in his yard.  With the help of their special Z-ray imagenator, they provided Street Level with this image.

Satanic object appearing in Fieldville, again.

Artists' District Gets a New Security Light

Fieldville - Due to a rash of graffiti on the portal to the Artists' District, the Proctor of Justice and Taxes has installed a new security light on that foul gate. One particular graffito has annoyed Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader. He said today, "We are not amused by vandalism caused by the thugs that inhabit the Artists' District.  Just because we are now fully self-actualized does not mean, our personage can be impugned by members of the Artists' District. Oh, and by the way, citizens are required to memorize my latest memoir, "It's All About Me" by next judgement day, thanks for your support."

Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader is not amused.

Our dear supreme leader's memorise

Thanks for your support

Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader Sails Mud Lake

Mud Lake - Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader Sailed Mud Lake this weekend.  The southern palace stated that "Our Dearness was a fantastic sailor, like everything that he does, he was perfect from the start.  Many  experienced sailors gathered around Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader to get tips that would improve their seamanship.

Thanks for your support



Citizens rejoice

Fieldville - Citizens and residents alike rejoiced when the Fieldville Ale Company tanker pulled into the Fish Lane Liquor Store with its weekly supply of Fieldville Ale.

This week's supply of Fieldville Ale has finally arrived

Dear Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader

Fieldville - Today the palace announced that as part of Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader's program of self realization, Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader will give advice to normal citizens FREE OF CHARGE. The following is the first installment:

Dear Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader:

You are my hero and you are dearly beloved at our family altar. My taxpaying dad loves to talk about your exploits in the Cattown Wars, and your justice in dealing with the evil-doers. I am a junior at Fieldville High and love Fieldville High's Fighting Fighters, but the proctor of our school wants to raise next year's graduation, desk rental, and janitorial fees.  Some of my friends, not me, don't think it's fair, because Flattburgh High's fee's are less and they even have classes like art and waterboarding.  We all know that it is a privilege to live in the Free Territories of Fieldville, Besides, Flattburgh still owes Fieldville billions of cobs for their complacency in the Cattown Wars, shouldn't Flattburgh pay our fees, since we will be taxpaying citizens and they are only Flattburghers?

Yours in Fieldville's future,

Name withheld for fear of decapitation.

Dear Fear of Decapitation:

Fieldville High is the best educational institution in the Free Territories of Fieldville, and you should be proud to be part of it.  Complaining taxpayers have no place in Fieldville citizen society, it's the kind of thing I would expect from the Artists' District.  Speaking of art, there is no place in our schools for classes that don't add to our tax base, and we all know what the Artists' District is like.  Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and pay the fees that your proctor so deservedly demands.

Your Dear Beloved Supreme Leader.

The palace now gives free advice

Fish Lane Liquor Store Now Open 4 Hours a Day

Fieldville - The proprietors of the Fish Lane Liquor Store announced today they would now be open 4 hours a day - no word yet on which 4 hours.

Fish Lane Liquor Store Extends Hours

Thanks for your support

Citizens Disgruntled Over New Justice and Taxes Ruling

Fieldville - With the persistent rumours of water possibly falling from the sky, Street Level has reposted a classic post.

There was a palpable air of tension pervading Cob Park this morning as citizens learned of the new Justice and Taxes ruling.  According to sources near the Proctory, the Proctor of Justice and Taxes is planning to levy a municipal water usage fee for water that has fallen on citizens' properties during the last few day.  According to undisclosed sources, the Proctor of Justice and Taxes sees the rain as direct competition with municipal water.  These sources say that when the proctor heard that some citizens were erecting devices to capture the "free" water - it was the last straw. The proctory has estimated that 167,000 gallons of "free" water has fallen on each acre of Fieldville during the last week.  No word yet on what the fee will be for each gallon of "free" water.

Citizens Disgruntled Over "Free" Water Fee

Thanks for your support - free tweets to @cjswift ex machina

Eat Your Carrots or Else!

Fieldville - The Proctor of Justice and Taxes has issued a reminder that you should eat your carrots or else.

Thanks for your support.

Glorious Spontaneous Victory Gas Declared Safe by Bands of Roving Pigeons

Fieldville - Bands of roving pigeons seem to have declared Glorious Spontaneous Victory (GSV) gas safe for pigeons. Coupled with this weekend's declaration from the Council of Proctors that they deny Glorious Spontaneous Victory gas - spraying of GSV gas has resumed in areas near Cattown and the Artists' District.

Pigeons used as canaries.

Council of Proctors Issues a Blanket Denial of Everything.

Fieldville - Today the Council of Proctors issued a proclamation denying everything.  While the document generally denies everything, it specifically denies Climate Change and any or all culpability for any unfortunate changes in Fieldville's local fauna as the result of using "Glorious Spontaneous Victory" gas against Cattown during the glorious victory over evil-doers last year.

Glorious Spontaneous Victory gas is blameless.

Thanks for your support.

Proctor of Science and Upholstery Denies Climate Change

Fieldville - The Proctor of Science and Upholstery, in an official statement has denied Climate Change is a problem.  After 235 days straight of above average temperatures the Proctor of Science and Upholstery is blaming Cattown and the invention of the Heat Index for Fieldville's latest heat wave.

The invention of the so called "Heat Index" is the problem.

Thanks for your support.

☉ur ⊃ear ≾upreme ∟eader's 67th Dream

Our Dear Supreme Leader's 67th Dream

Vile Heat Serpent is in Cob Park

Where is Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader?

Tristmegistus

Mud Lake - As the heat wave continues Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader Tristmegistus is at the Mud Lake palace enjoying self-realization, and anxious to return to Fieldville and comforts of Cob Park and its environs. But is is not just a break for Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader, he is searching for the great heat snake that has wrapped itself around the Free Territories of Fieldville.  Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader has vowed to vanquish the vile serpent and return Fieldville to the paradise that we all know and love.

Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader has vowed to vanquish the vile heat serpent

Thanks for your support

Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader -Tristmegistus Explains Kinder/Gentler

Mud Lake - During the recent heat wave Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader -Tristmegistus and the Council of Proctors took a break from onus of governance and citizen's pleas for mercy succor.  While enjoying a much needed rest, Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader -Tristmegistus had a chance to speak with a young citizen about what it means to be Kinder/Gentler.  After the discussion, the young citizen, still in awe with speaking to the great man, said that Kinder Gentler had something to do with a velvet glove in an iron gauntlet or maybe it was the other way around.

Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader -Tristmegistus talks about gloves

Fieldville's 87th day with Above Normal Temps

Fieldville - today marks the 87th consecutive day Fieldville has experienced above normal temperatures.

Even the tried and true cooling spots like Swineherd Slough or the many confinement retention ponds seem to hold no amount of refreshment now.  Citizens are reminded that the fountain in Cob Park is not open to any sort of water sport except during weekly punishment.  Some citizens are whispering that Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader's new policy of Kinder/Gentler is affecting the weather.

Current dew point 99 degrees

Thanks for your support

Fieldville Municipal Workers Work Through the Night

Fieldville - Last night, while most citizens were safely asleep in their homes, thanks to Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader and the Council of Proctors, Fieldville municipal workers were toiling through the night to ready Cob Park for Surprise Judgement Daze.  Yes that's right, tonight is the compulsory accusation ceremony and token stoning.  Our Dear Beloved Supreme Leader has stated since he is now kinder and gentler, only a resident of the Artists' District will be used for the stoning, not a citizen.  Many old-timers from the Cob Cafe have been complaining that is not how it was done in their day.  The Dear Beloved Supreme Leader has stated that he may make an exception to his "Not Stoning a Citizen Rule" in their case.

Workers preparing for Surprise Judgement Daze.

Thanks for your support.

Tom Says He Searches Every Day for His Hot Cuisine

Fieldville - Tom the beloved Fieldville Turkey Vulture said today, "I search everyday for my hot cuisine, if you want the best you need the tenderest."

Tom searches everyday for the tenderest carrion for his hot cuisine

Tom's Hot Cuisine

Fieldville - Tom, Fieldville's beloved Turkey Vulture, has started a new vulture venture: "Tom's Hot Cuisine". Tom says the excessive heat over the last few days has created a carrion surplus.  He believes that with a spatula and squeegee any taste of hot cuisine can be accommodated from Fieldville's blacktop roads.  So as Tom says, Don't swerve, it's all a tenderizing process."

Don't swerve - tenderize