Don't be Caught with an Out of Date Porch Boy™

Fieldville - The makers of Porch Boy™ brand fine porch furniture want to remind all citizens that style matters more than anything that you can buy at the East Side Strip Mall.  Discerning homes will always be aware of the importance of having this year's style.  Last year's styles and style not recognized by the Proctor of Style and Shopping only belong in the Artists' District.  This year's colors are only yellow, mustard, and harvest gold - all other colors are out of style and should be removed by your resident and placed on the curb so that the residents of the Artists' District can take them away during the night.

"Spring Moss" is not an official color for this year

Better households every will not allow their residents to use an out of style color, it doesn't say, "We're in Style", like having your resident use this year's color. 

Thanks for your support - send teargas, water cannons, Canadian Hockey fans, soccer thugs, tailgaters, and tweets to @cjswift

ex machina

Porch Boy Touch-up brand Paint

Fieldville - Are you thinking of having your resident paint you home this year?  Porch Boy™ is introducing a new concept in home maintenance.  Why paint your whole house when only a few patches of wood are showing through.  Porch Boy™ brand Touch-up House Paint has a solution for you.

Before

             

After

Your resident will have your home spiffy in less than half the time and a fraction of the cost of traditional old fashioned house painting.  Get on the bandwagon and have your resident Touch-up your home this spring.  Porch Boy™ we make your life what you deserve as a citizen.

Thanks for your support - send house size touch-up pens, no bananas, Meat Cow postcards, pulp magazines with black slashes across people's eyes, anything being sold on a shopping channel, the wisdom to tell the difference between a "Watch" and a "Warning", and tweets to @cjswift

ex machina

Resident Solutions for Citizens

Fieldville - As a public service Porch Boy™ is now offering a Resident Unit to qualified citizens, through their Home Solutions partner.  If you are a citizen with a resident working for you, you know how annoying it can be to have the resident live in your home.  At the same time, having the resident live in the Artists' District with all the distractions there, can lead to tardiness on the part of the resident at those important times like breakfast.  Porch Boy™ is proud to introduce to Fieldville the Home Solutions Resident Unit.  Now you can store your resident just outside of your home, out of sight, but ready to serve when needed in your busy household.

Porch Boy™ now offers Resident Units to qualified citizens.

Stop in the Porch Boy™ store on Corn Street for a quote on a Resident Unit - easy financing available to qualified citizens who can show proof of a paycheck and a license to hire a resident.

Thanks for your support - send extension cords, lost chords, accords, accordions, concertinas, ocarinas, la niñas, and tweets to @cjswift

ex machina

Stylish Homes Soon Will All Have Porch Chairs

Fieldville - What will be the "must have" for this spring for the stylish home?  Well the answer is, an upholstered Porch Boy® brand porch chair.  Nothing says style like a big ol' Porch Boy® on your front porch.  The Porch Boy® Grandisoso comes with built in cup holders and ashtray.  All Porch Boys® are available in mustard, yellow, and Golden Harvest, for that perfect look.  Even the Dear Supreme Leader using a Grandioso at the palace, so don't be left behind with old porch furniture, get a Porch Boy® today.

Get a Porch Boy® Today

Thanks for your support - send mustard wallpaper, yellow refrigerators, block parties, plastic lattice, electric stoves, big hair, Groucho mustaches, and tweets to @cjswift

 ex machina

Citizens Openly Use Private Vehicles

Fieldville - The Proctor of Potholes and Traffic has observed many citizens using private vehicles when mostly adequate bus service is provided at an affordable cost.  The proctor stated, "Every gallon of ethanol used in private vehicles is one less gallon that can be bottled and sold at the Fish Lane Liquor Store.  The Council of Proctors wants every citizen to know that use of private vehicles damages our pothole resources, adds to the supposed "Parking Problem" around Cob Park."

Citizens are reminded it is not legal to operate a private vehicle without a Parking License, the only exception to this is old guys in pickups if they have a dog with them.

Blatent use of Private Vehicles Observed and Documented

Thanks for your support - send more tires to the Fieldville Tire Station Fire, Flexible Flyers, Random Windows Updates, haymows full of 5,000 Cob notes [for parking fines {bribes}], Dollar Store computers, bathtub/wedding/tree/senior/class/nose/ear/toe/{others best unstated}/O/Saturn's rings, and tweets to @cjswift ex machina

50,000 Cob Reward Offered

Fieldville - A 50,000 Cob reward is being offered for the arrest and execution of the malcontents who used the image of the Dear Supreme Leader in the form of a snow sculpture across from the palace. 

Turn in your neighbors

Thanks for your support - send NAMES and tweets to @cjswift ex machina

The Proctor of Transportation and Copyrights Unveils New Bus Design

Fieldville - The Proctor of Transportation and Copyrights unveiled the new Fieldville Citizens Transportation Bus design.  The new design features a heater for winter and fully operational windows in the front of the bus for the summer.  The proctor told Street Level that the small increase in the price of a ticket will more than be made up by the naugahyde bench seating to be installed for rider's comfort.  So before you think of walking anywhere consider a ride on the new Fieldville Citizens Transportation Services buses for only 500 cobs each way, and small fee for any bags you may be carrying. [Check with FCTS representatives for complete baggage rules]

New Citizens Buses are here

Thanks for your support - send auditions, microphone stands, snail butter, helpful Blue Cross/Blue Shield service representatives, hardware store dental kits, wasp nests in my walls, cockroach colonies, fire ants, King Tut brand mosquitoes, flaming hula hoops, vinyl siding for minivans, incorrectly translated signs, and tweets to @cjswift ex machina

A Brighter Shade of Pale

Fieldville - Yesterday citizens were treated to a brighter shade of pale in the skies above Fieldville.  The Proctor of Food Safety and Weather told Street Level, "A fast moving stationary front has occluded over Crick County.  The El Niño event in the Sea of Tranquility continues to affect climatic aspects of long term prognostications. Prevailing winds will continue carry much of the Fieldville Tire Station Fire toxic by-products toward Cattown." [note none of the above should be used to predict future weather and is not intended to accurately portray weather patterns now or in the future.]

A brighter shade of pale

A note to residents fighting the Fieldville Tire Station Fire - due to the current emergency, residents fighting the Fieldville Tire Station Fire will be responsible for obtaining their own gas masks and oxygen tanks.  Further, rations of Asian Carp will now cost 5,000 Cobs per can.

Thanks for your support - send cans of Asian Carp, West Virginia's Land Use Policy, Black Lung brand Gas Masks, page 335 from the Nation Governors Conference Agenda, nimble politicians, boatloads of wet cats, and tweets to @cjswift ex machina

Electrical Use License Fee Raised to Better Serve You

Fieldville - The Proctor of Fishing and Electricity wants to remind all citizens that the Electrical Use License Fee (EULF) has been raised 20% this quarter to better serve you.  A temporary emergency EULF has been added to last quarter's emergency EULF to continue to provide you with the service you expect 6 hours a day many days a week. 

On a lighter note, Crick County Fishing License Testing will begin next week. The Proctor of Fishing and Electricity stated, "Most citizens, with a clean record from the Proctor of Justice and Taxes, can take the Crick County Fishing License Test.  This year's test will require a short written essay of why you deserve to fish in Crick County, and a practical fishing demonstration for Crick County Fishing Examiners. This year the examiners will focus on fishing safety knowledge and courtesy toward Crick County Fishing Examiners.

Fishing License Tests Soon Available

Thanks for your support - send liquid water, boil orders, milkweeds, goose feathers, Cyprus knees, insecticide popsicles, emails from other dimensions, fungus and mold, refrigerator spores, inadequate records, whining millionaires, chicken feet sandwiches, marginally thought-out arguments, and tweets to @cjswift ex machina

More Interesting Window Sill Decor Ordered

Fieldville - the Proctor of Fashion and Casino Gaming has ordered residents that work for citizens to spiff up their employers window sills, "All too often busy citizens leave the details to their employees.  It's time to get ready for all the upcoming spring events with better window sill decor."

An example for citizens to follow to be more fashionable in their window sill decor

Thanks for your support - just send anything you want to @cjswift  ex machina

Fieldville Cares

Fieldville - In the continuing push to show that "Fieldville Cares", the Proctor of Justice and Taxes, has rolled out the new Caring Mobile.  The Caring Mobile will be deployed to assist citizens in their parking needs, by towing BPA's to the Fieldville Tire Station Fire.  The Dear Supreme Leader has heard the concerns of his citizens and has ordered the Proctor of Justice and Taxes to care more.  The proctor has reacted with the Caring Mobile.

Fieldville Cares

The proctor has also stepped up all enforcement of parking statutes and edicts from the palace.  The proctor has pointed out that it is quite expensive to maintain the Caring Mobile and he needs a good return on investment(ROI).  He has stated, "In order to make our ROI numbers we need to generate income from citizen parking.  We believe if we enforce the Parking Revenue Edict alone we can make our ROI."  For those citizens who don't remember the Parking Revenue Edict (PRE), declares that those citizens who park within two blocks of Cob Park must spend at least $5,000 Cobs per hour or risk standing before Open Court Day.

Spend or be "Cared for"

Thanks for your support - send barrels of chill pills for loud people, decibel checkers, helpful caring tow trucks, MBAs in electioneering, screaming mobs of uninformed dolts, lives dedicated to TV, gender/age/income/class/information/bonus/happiness/height/luck/hubris/ gaps, more pigeon holes, complainers of all types stripes or flavors, and tweets to @cjswift ex machina

Parking is a Privilege

Fieldville - The Proctor of Justice and Taxes reminds every citizen that "Parking is a Privilege not a Right".  It has been noted that several citizens, or residents who work for citizens, have been abusing their parking privileges.  Several of the common merchant residents have even entreated the proctor to have offending vehicles towed to the Fieldville Tire Station Fire to be used as the growing firewall protecting most of Fieldville.

Parking Abuse is Being Documented

The Proctor of Justice and Taxes has been documenting all Blatant Parking Abusers and those he feels are Latent Parking Abusers (BPA) and (LPA).  Documentation is being saved for Beltane Open Court Day to be held the last day of April.  Certified citizens of Fieldville may also bring their own documentation to Open Court Day and accuse their neighbors of BPA or LPA, watch the swift trail, and see the punishment all in a single day.  Festivities will culminate with the Beltane Fire Festival out at the Fieldville Tire Station Fire where documented BPA and LPAs will add to the evening's entertainment.  The Proctor of Rituals and Posters is asking citizens to apply for one of the many positions of drummer, street puppet, rabid sign carrier, or guilty abuser launchers.  She reminds us all that it is our responsibility to make Open Court Day fun and full of righteous justice.

Thanks for your support - send pomelos, canciones de los portales, whipped fish head butter, used but still serviceable toothpicks, flared plaid pants, down and out carnivals, leaky boats, worn out shoes, cat hair dust bunnies, obsolete surgical equipments, jewelery not made from brass cogs, reheated 3-day-old coffee, real Spam virtual Spam and the wisdom to know the difference, and tweets to @cjswift

ex machina

Special Note to Fieldville Citizens Eligible to Recieve Mail

Special Notice:  Tomorrow is Dear Supreme Leader Day and there will be no mail delivery or electrical services - enjoy your day off.

Expect no Support

Fieldville Safety Center - Safety Meeting

Fieldville - The Fieldville Safety Center is sponsoring a safety meeting this afternoon.  Citizens and residents working for citizens are invited to learn all manner of safety stuff.  On the curriculum for today how to use and not use a step ladder, and a film strip titled "Stairs - They are not Your Friends".

A Not-To-Miss Safety Meeting is on Tap.

Thanks for your support - send non slip sidewalks, floor and ceiling airbags, hand cleaner, elementary school doorknobs, Smart Cars, a pile of old rags soaked in linseed oil next to paint cans and pesticide, happy meals, Chinese baby formula, Dow Chemical T-shirts, and tweets to @cjswift ex machina

A Harbinger of Spring?

Several days in a row without blizzards have left some citizens of Fieldville contemplating spring.  The most compelling of harbingers is the Roof Pig, which, by Fieldville tradition, is a sure sign that spring is just around the corner, or maybe just down the street, or maybe somewhere down the road.  Street Level has actual documentation of the first Roof Pig sighting of the season.

       
            Can the Roof Pigs really be back?

Thanks for your support - send large extra strong umbrellas, very large nets, tarps, barrels of windshield washer fluid, heavy duty windshield wipers, Pig-B-GGone brand wet wipes, and tweets to @cjswift ex machina

Fieldville to get new vender in the Spring

Fieldville - This Spring should really be a renewal as Fieldville will get its very own Cigarette Vendor up at Cob Park.  The clean spring air will mingle with the aroma of good American tobacco.  The sound of spring's birds will harmonized with the sound of clicking lighters.  The delicate spring flowers will be enhanced by fresh cigarette butts all around the park - is that a picture of bliss or what?

Fieldville moves up in the world

Thanks for your support - send weaponized snow shovels, fright wigs, push brooms, cute little hobbit traps, old Avon ads, full parking lots in front of frightening pole barns full of unneeded consumer junk, a clip of Pat Robertson saying the small earthquake in Chicago was the result of the small deal with Satan they did, step ladders made from whipped butter, and tweets to @cjswift  ex machina

A Friendly Reminder from the Proctor of Justice and Taxes

At this time of year many children of citizens do make believe games where they are heroes like the Dear Supreme Leader.  While, we all want to be like the Dear Supreme Leader, it is illegal to build walls which could be used by the Cattown Terrorists that lately have infiltrated Fieldville and the palace.  Below is an example of a banned structure during this time of emergency.

Click to see the illegal structure

Biff himself has said that the infiltrators from Cattown have almost been vanquished, and soon it will be safe to walk the streets of Fieldville again.  The Proctor of the Justice and Taxes wants everyone to remember that during this short emergency time all curfew breaker will be shot, and then given a speedy trail if necessary.

Thanks for your support - send flashlights, netbooks, sweaty clothes, an etui full of gold coins (see you can use that word in other than crosswords), this year's copy of "My Important Book", and tweets to @cjswift  ex machina

Only 131 Days Until Summer

As a public service Street Level is publishing the following poster.  As a reminder to citizens, it is illegal for regular citizens publish posters.  The Proctor of Posters and Balloons is quoted as saying, "Citizens are not allowed to make posters or use balloons without a license.  Posters and balloons are powerful tools in keeping the morale of the populace, and must be used properly."

Do not try this at home

Thanks for your support - send angry mobs of idiots being angry about the crap they're usually angry about, not another whodat - never ever, anti-snow sidewalks, a suitcase full of Hawaiian shirts, and tweets to @cjswift ex machina

Cattown Sends a Sign of Capitulation to the Dear Supreme Leader

Fieldville - In what is clearly a sign of capitulation to the Dear Supreme Leader and the citizens of Fieldville, Cattown has left an offering of peace at the gates of the palace.  During the dead of the night an effigy, believed to be the major Cattown god, was moved into position outside of the palace gates.  A member of Local 43 of the International Brotherhood of the Druidic Path, has inspected the effigy and stated, "This idol is clearly the best that Cattown can do.  They are savages after all, and don't know any better.  We should bring it in the gates and set it in the palace square as a reminder to all Fieldville citizens just how superior we are to Cattown."

Several of the palace guards have said that they have heard snickering, laughing, and ghosts' voices coming from the interior of the grotesque image.  The captain of the guards has said that the voices have a definite Cattown accent.

A Close up of the grotesque idol left by the backwards Cattowners.

Thanks for your support - send Laural leaves for the Dear Supreme Leader, victory parties, idol shaped pasta for Fieldville children, a demand for more Cattown Floating Potatoes, a small pillage run down to Cattown to see what we can find, little hankies, stained doilies, low expectations, and tweets to @cjswift ex machina 

A Big day for Mr. Snappy

The Smith Family Values have a small bit for us today:

Click for Mr. Snappy

Thanks for your support - don't send senators, anything about the Superbowl, wardrobe malfunctions, ear hair, toenails, anything that could be described as cute, sebum flavored candy hearts, potato chips, Rod Stewart hair, monkey paws, burnt toast, fly spots, songs about pickups, snow, slurry tanks, flamethrowers, and email to whatever.

ex machina

प्राइवेट केलेब्रतिओन्स अरे हविंग बाद कर्म

प्राइवेट केलेब्रतिओन्स अरे हविंग बाद कर्म Fieldville - It has come to the attention of Street Level that a certain news monger is having a birth anniversary. While celebrating this kind of thing is frowned on in Fieldville, it is uncertain what the folkways of northern climes might be. Here,in Fieldville, private celebrations are considered a dis against the Dear Supreme Leader, and may lead to decade or so compulsory Fieldville Tire Station Firefighting, or so says the Proctor of Taxes and Justice.

Here is a reprise from last year... Where this sorry story all began.

Thanks for your support - send Ben and Debbie instructions on how to install Skye, and tweets to @cjswift

ex machina

Dear Supreme Leader Contemplates Cloning as a Succession Planning Option

Fieldville - The Dear Supreme Leader has issued a communique from the Winter Palace in South Fieldville.  He states, "We are aware that many citizens and residents alike are concerned about how the emergency powers of Dear Supreme Leadership should be passed.  Since we believe in being practical about such things we have issued a fiat to the Proctor of Science and Endowments to look into cloning ourself to eliminate any succession issues do to our untimely demise many many many years in the future.  We have tasked the proctor with developing a cloning process with all due haste."

Dear Supreme Leader contemplates his dear leadership

Thanks for your support - send bushels of bacon, dozens of forks, cups of frosting, teaspoons of foot powder, snoot-fulls of fabric softener, cute little cartoon bears dancing around your license plate, extra tall footstools measured in meters, metric timepieces, short encyclopedias, and tweets to @cjswift 

 ex machina

New Server Installed in the Palace

Fieldville - A new Friendbook server is being installed in the basement of the palace.  The new server will be able to accommodate the entirety of Fieldville and the Free Territories of the Crick County citizens licensed to own a computing device.  Gone are those times when Friendbook will give you a little pink dialog screen with the error message - "OOPS we're working on that!".  The newest Proctor of Friendbook and Lawn Care said, "We have all been waiting for this day.  Now we can all be the Dear Supreme Leader's Friendbook friends, and what is better than that?"

The powerful server was spotted as it was moved into the lower levels of the palace.

The powerful server will last for years to come - click for more detail

The Street Level Posse met at the Corn Street Cafe for the first of a series of parties to celebrate their eminent departure to Yucatan - no photos are available.

Thanks for your support - send lead ingots, respirators, finger guards, asbestos gloves, hammer mills, nine dimension variable apertures, soap bubbles, electomagnets, and tweets to @cjswift

      ex machina

Citizens concerned about the new water feature ! ! ! ! !

Fieldville - as Street Level and its entire posse make ready to tour the Yucatan Peninsula, many citizens of Fieldville are concerned that the new water feature being built in Cob Park may not be tall enough.  The Proctor of Building and Demolition stated today, "The new water feature is perfect and it's just the way that we meant it to be."

Street Level would be concerned, but that would take too much energy away from thinking about the Yucatan Tour.

Citizens have raised concerns about the new Cob Park water feature

Thank you for your support - send giant step ladders, scissor lifts, repelling marines, aviation warning systems, flight path adjustments, and tweets to @cjswift ex machina