This has nothing to do with anything in particular!

Played too much with photos I took yesterday - I need to go out to Gnatville and do manly man stuff in the yard. I could actually do the trimming that has been waiting from last year, or perhaps pant the bulbs that have been waiting a month for me to venture out. If would be a bit more pleasant to do these things without a neighbor sitting on his porch staring at everything in the neighborhood like a vulture over a hog confinement during "clean-out day". The other neighbor isn't able to venture out with the sun still up. I've planted garlic on that side of the house but he still is able to approach the chicken wire fence he erected several years ago.

I have a theory that he is made entirely of adipocere...whoa, wait a minute, been reading too many Stephen King novels or something...Let's start over again.

The field of butterflies beckoned me from my revelries of unicorns and the faery people. I walked out into the beauty of a perfect summer day. I felt as if I were floating as the sun caressed my skin and the soft breeze wafted the scent of a 1,000 flowers into the ether surrounding me. The yard gnomes led me to the vortex at the edge of the hedges. I saw the portal opening there, and I was about to step in, when I slipped in a puddle of grave wax and slid face first into a chicken wire fence. OK, OK, enough King, I gotta get a wider reading program.

Send me twitters @cjswift, while I'm out in the yard, and thanks for your support.

Snail's Eye View of of of...

Have you ever crawled over a rail and have one of your eye stalks catch the perspective of steel in the early evening light? I can tell you it's a sight to behold. You just want to stretch out of your shell and take in the whole view. There you are sitting in your slime trail feeling the soft summer air enjoying living in the moment. Your ganglion begins to wander to other things like crawling over to the garden and drowning in stale beer, or hassling some of the local nematodes hanging out at the storm drain - when you feel the vibration of rail. It's the evening train and the only thing that you can do is try to outru...

Help Street Level Has Been Taken Over

Help - Oh the humanity! Street Level has been taken over by Buffalo Gnats. Send leaking drums of DDT, Crop Dusters, tankers of Deet, Voodoo Zombie anti-Gnat greegree Bags, and Ghostbuster proton packs to Street Level and hurry!

False Dawn (Max and Mae's Final Appearance)

Have any of you seen the Blair house in the light of false dawn? If you have, you may have seen the light that appears in the tower. The story behind this starts with the turn of the last century, an actress appearing at the opera house next door, a Vaudeville magician, and a lost skeleton key. The telegraph wires in front of the opera house hummed in anticipation, as the latest troop of players arrived on the afternoon train. Passengers stepped out and porters converged on baggage cars for their two bits for cartage to the hotel downtown. The actress and the magician were known nation-wide for their shows and they were double billed throughout the coming summer. They weren't personal car famous, but they were a good draw wherever they played. If they had known that this would be their last stop, would they have got off the train that afternoon?

Mae held the hand of the conductor, as he helped her off the westbound afternoon special from Chicago. She opened up here parasol against the hard afternoon sun; it wouldn't do to swoon right here on the platform in Hickland. These goobers would fill the local house tonight and there would be that much more coin for the end of the line in San Francisco. She smiled vaguely at the crowd and looked for her manager. Fred would deal with the trunks and transport to the hotel, she would retire to her room and attempt to cool off with a bit of rye she kept with her for new town arrivals. Fred would find her something cooler long before she had to be at the theater.

Max stepped off the train and felt the dark wool of his suit soak up the unmerciful sun. Being a magician required that you lived the part day and night; black suits were just part of the ruse and you just got used to it. Max tapped his ebony walking stick against the platform and a puff of smoke rose from the brick cobbles. There were intakes of breath scattered throughout the crowd. Rubes, he thought, it always works. A porter dragging a handcar asked if he could help with Max's luggage.

Max swept his arm across the crowd, "My good man the Great Maxwell needs no help with mere objects in this mortal realm." He had the crowd's attention now. He walked, no strode, to the growing stack of trunks and bags by the baggage car. With the tip of of his stick he traced a figure eight in the air over the bags and in a stentorian voice said, "Luggage is no burden for the Great Maxwell." He tapped his large black stream trunk and laughed. Impossibly he scooped it up under his arm and headed toward the hotel...to be continued.

Thanks for your support and twitters @cjswft

On The Ladder to Success

Here is the ladder to success - if that is your goal then all you have to do is climb it. Don't worry about setting a goal, your goal is success, after all, geeze. It's not like it was rocket science or something. We all know what success is let's list the outward signs:

• 5 credit cards - gas cards and ATM cards don't count here - they're counted later
• One more car than people in your household
• A garage stall for each of the above
• Living in a neighborhood with at least one disgraced CEO - extra points if he/she has been indited or incarcerated
• Thinking about getting your third flat screen TV
• Shopping at the mall 3 or more times a week
• Buying your groceries from a department store
• Your wallet (with all the currency removed) weighs more than your brain

When you get there let me know what its like.

Thanks more tomorrow - twitter @cjswift

Messing Around on a Holiday

What can you do with an alleyway, a double exposure, and a partner? Make fake ghosts of course. The fountain is full, but the flotsam is back. Since today is not Monday, but everyone thinks it is, go with the flow. Take a tax credit or get some leftover TARP funds, don't have a meltdown, have a bailout, maybe you can get a windfall. No doubt there will be a later post, just to use up some of the dumb pictures I took.

Send Vanilla and Skin-So-Soft to @cjswift

Thanks for your support.

Bonus Post

Here is a bit of fun for Celebrate Your Senses - see you there.

The Big Flag

Today is Memorial Day here in Iowa - the rain held off just long enough for the morning ceremonies. Traditional afternoon activities involving sun, water, and giant Buffalo Gnats will have to be curtailed to a later date. The good news is that I will avoid throbbing gnat-bite welts and a sunburn, both of which, I believe the health Nazis have declared illegal. The rain looks like it has settled in and is busy restocking all the gnat incubation pools, which are the only pools that are going to see any activity today.

So turn on your lights, turn up your heat, and throw a little sand on the floor - it's time for that first official day of summer marketing. Be sure to wear your white shoes and belt to work tomorrow, the season only lasts to Labor Day.

Thanks for your support and twitter often @cjswift

THIS JUST IN - WASH-FOUNT-FUNCTIONS

WASH CENT FOUNT FILLED - WATER USED TO PROTCT ID OF FOUNT FILLERS.

YT USED NET DRING FILL FOR FILTERING - FORMLESS FLOTSAM FLOATING FOUND!

@cjswift - BYE

Street Level is on Vacation this Afternoon

Street Level will be on Vacation this afternoon. We will be preparing poulet grillé tout entier gastronome de bidon de bière and will be able to update through select mobile devices. We'll be back online with photos and commentary soon after. I am will also be looking for gnat eater attachment to my weed eater, if I can't find that I will set the lawn on fire that might do it. So ha.

Thanks for your support and twitter at cjswift

Since this is Memorial Day Weekend

Since this is Memorial Day Weekend, it is with great pleasure that I announce that the porch is officially open.

This year we proudly present many sustainable enhancements and we are sure that all will enjoy these.

Here are this year's rules:

• .
• .
• .
• .

Yep, that's about it, so rather it's an invite or a drive-by, we'll see you soon.

Check Tweets often for updates.

GREEN EATING MEANS GREAT EATING

In honor of tonight's Farmers' Market, today's post is about eating green. This is not about sustainable production practices or any of that. If you want to read about that - Google anything with Vermont or nutcases in it and you can read all you want. What we are talking about today is eating green stuff. We believe instead of eating green vegetables you should eat algae. Besides eating green algae lowers you to pretty much the bottom of the food chain. There are more reasons to eat algae:

The Price is Right
Any farm pond or capture lagoon near a hog confinement has all the free Algae you can eat. If that weren't convenient enough, you can grow it in your backyard simply by leaving the cover off your garbage can or placing an old tire in your yard.

Harvesting
Harvesting is as simple as cupping your hands and dragging it out of the pond or other media you have grown it in.

Cooking
Cooking is the best part, because no matter what you do to it, you can't make it taste worse.

I think I'll take a tub of it to the Farmers' Market and sell it for a couple of bucks a quart. I think that if I don't make any claims as to its value of food, I may be able to sell it as a gnat repellent.

If you have any comments, please post them or twitter me @cjswift

Teflon

Another picture of water, and I'm sticking to that. Today I want to speak about becoming bulletproof. Many people today think that being bulletproof has to do with Kevlar or being born on Krypton. It is just as important to think of Teflon. In the old days it was that you needed to have an oily back like a duck, and things could just slide off. But most of us today would think that having an oily back would be too messy and not particularly hygienic.

The answer is Teflon-a-Day pills, available at finer discount and dollar stores everywhere. Just a single Teflon-a-Day pill gives you all the lubriciousness you need to survive in today's multi-tasking world. When you go down into the basement to find that stapler and wrench and an hour later you've found an old scale and a postcard, take a Teflon-a-Day and let it all slide off.

Thanks for your support - twitter @cjswift

1960's Pseudo-Artiste Invades Washington

60's Pseudo Artiste "Christo" invaded downtown yesterday, wrapping the sculptures and light poles with tasteful stripes. The photo above shows a light pole wrapped in a very tasteful yellow stripe. In the background you can see one of the sculpture ladies in a multi-colored burqa.

Of course, most of you know that there is no Artiste Christo it is only Christo and Jeanne-Claude, they are one. Also, the photos above show light pole "surrounded" by the tasteful yellow stripe, not wrapped. There is a rumor that the Artiste Christo and Jeanne-Claude have eyed the courthouse, and it may soon be surrounded in a tasteful red stripe. Stay tuned for more.

Thank you for your support and tweets @cjswift

Special Edition - Dead Alien Found in Fountain

THIS JUST IN -- AUTHORITIES HAVE FOUND A DEAD ALIEN IN THE WASHINGTON CENTENNIAL FOUNTAIN. While cleaning the Central Park Fountain, a dead alien body was found this afternoon. Officials are investigating if there is any connection with the UFO shell that appeared over it this winter. More information as it becomes available.

The Pyramids of Washington

While working on the construction downtown a pyramid was discovered in the historic district. It is one of the few pyramids discovered in Iowa to date. It is not believed to have been built by any of Smouse Bros., the City Archeologist states that it may be a Druid structure from the time of Europeans running around all over this area before the time of Columbus. He said, "As we all know there were any number of Europeans who came to American just to hang around, but then Columbus sailed over to the islands and messed it up." Mission Specialist Mike Massimino aboard the space shuttle recently twittered that he could see the pyramid from space.

Thanks for your support and twitters @cjswift

Another Flower - Another Day

Studio 909 - An Announcement
The Street Level branch of the multi-national conglomerate D.B.A. Studio 909 announced today that it was in the process of developing a podcast. The podcast to be known as StreetPod. StreetPod will feature contemporary Midwest authors in a radio play format. It will be offered free of charge and will include tasteful advertisements that will be just so subtle you won't even know they are there - no honest. Along with subtle product placements - StreetPod hopes to gain a portfolio of advertisers such as Lehman Bros., Buick, Studebaker, and possibly Atari. We urge you to stay tuned for exciting developments in the near future.

Teaser
What do a seventy year old city fountain and a deserted beach in El Salvador have in common? Why does Dave Live in an Attache case? Who would win if you threw a Twinkie into a fight cage with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?

Stay tuned and thanks for your support.

Living in the Future

There is a John Prine song which has the following lyrics -

We're all driving rocket ships
And talking with our minds
And wearing turquoise jewelry
And standing in soup lines
We are standing in soup lines

I urge you to click on the image above to see Better Stones in Gardens May cover. I wish I could give you the Canal Eel recipe, but time just doesn't allow. I need to get back to my garden and get some better stones. In the meantime polish your turquoise, have a cup of soup and if you can't contact me with your mind twitter @cjswift

Thank you for your support

Clichés - Our Friends

It's easy as pie to see that you should play favorites and not put off to tomorrow what can be done today. Right now it's raining cats and dogs, coming down in buckets, you know it's a real gully washer. But, god willing and the creek don't raise, we'll see light at the end of the tunnel today. We just need to do an about face and bend over backwards, and do a brain dump. We need to burn the midnight oil and build a better mousetrap. In this dog eat dog world we need see the big picture and realize our cash cows are not the 800 pound gorillas. The buck stops here so get your foot in the door with a hands on approach to your game plan. Use your sweat equity to pick the low-hanging fruit of your labors.

We need to wipe the slate clean and think out of the box at the 30,000 foot level. To do this pull yourself up by your bootstraps and sweeten the pot by making money hand over fist all the way to the bank. I don't want to talk shop here swimming with the sharks, you just need to focus on the mission critical and knock it out of the park. So, put your nose to the grindstone, keep it simple stupid and it will be like a knife cutting butter to have a no brainer so that you can shoot fish in a barrel out of the woods.

It is after all duck soup to have a bowl full of cherries when you don't get your knickers in a knot over spilt milk that is not under your skin for Pete's sake.

A twitter in hand is worth two in the bush. Don't twitter away your life - twitter @cjswift

A Movie Pitch

Click for a better view. Fluffy Simpson clouds are always a good subject - especially if you combine trees, fields, and water. The only things left would be unicorns, children, and Venus raising on the half-shell, but you can't have everything.

I am thinking that I should work on a screenplay here is the outline, let me know what you think:

1. A conspiracy of zombies are plotting to take over the internet
2. They are paying a group of terrorist pirates to cut undersea cables
3. Robot guardians from the future come back to save the internet
4. An adolescent loner boy is recruited to help them
5. A blonde single mom is taken by the terrorist pirates to their secret island
6. An armada of small private boats crewed by single moms and loner adolescent boys besieges the secret island
7. Zombies, terrorists, and robot guardians parachute onto the island with assault weapons blazing
8. The last unicorn is killed in the ensuing battle
9. The clouds open and an advanced civilization appears in the form of Joaquin Phoenix - he carries the unicorn in his arms to his ship
10. The ship releases a virus that kills all the terrorists, zombies, and robot guardians.
11. The single moms and adolescent boys sail off into the sunset with the words "To be Continued" scrolling across the screen
12. Credits roll with Hanna Montana singing "You Can't Always Get What You Want" with the Stones backing her up. She and Mick dance into the sunset
    

So what do you think, another Summer Blockbuster?

Wasting time? - twitter me @cjswift. Thanks for your support.

Reflections

As always, I urge you to click on the image and get a larger version. You will see much more detail. The image tells your brain things that change as you stare at it, but I'll let you see what I mean. So if you can wait to get your marshmallow, we can explore narcissism as a defining moral precept, or not - NOT. Let's talk about the NEED for a flat-screen TV, no not that either. Oh bloody hell, let's talk about how to cut back without needing to do anything. Let's talk about how to get something for nothing, all the while feeling good about it. You know how we all like stupid lists so here's our list for the day:

• Watch TV ads to determine what you need and what you should pay
• TV ads are valuable ways to learn your worth in society
• Buy products that have a prize in them, that's real value
• Brand name means quality - if you see the name on TV; buy it
  
• Your emotions and finances should be interchangeable
  
• Go to the mall - that's where you get the best deals
• The farther you drive the better the deal
• Franchising has led to more diversity and value - go to chain stores
• If you can't afford meat - mac 'n cheese is a good substitute
• If you can drive up to it - it's value
• If it's leftover, used, or recycled - it's for losers

That's today's list - surf in tomorrow for another installment - thanks for your support.

If you're wasting time you can twitter me @cjswift

A Walk in the Park

Here are two photos that are in no way related, other than they were both taken yesterday. The top is actually the reflection of willows on water - it has been turned upside down. The one on the bottom is a composite of tree blossoms and plant growing in the park. I put these on the blog, because I know that many of you have let your subscription to "Better Homes and Gardens" lapse in the last few years. I feel a responsibility to try and fill the pretty stuff gap in your life. If you are feeling this gap in your life, then let me know and I can help fill that gap in future posts.

If there is enough response I can also include informative articles such as:

• Kitty Litter - its place in your garden
• Cooking with Twinkies
• Your Neighbor's Yard - your personal dumping ground
• The beauty of shiny plastic fences
• This is the year for an above ground pool in your front yard

Enough for now, I will let the people speak.

Thank you for your support

Island Cubism and Another View

Here are two views of a doorway at Isla Mujeres. The cubist view is an artifact. Why include these - well read on and see.

You're still reading - you should know by now the pictures usually only a pretense for some stupid rant. I hope to continue that tradition today with these photos. These are a scene from Isla Mujeres near the center of town The closer to the center the less space is wasted on anything but buildings. It reminds me of Dick Cheney saying that he would rather have Rush Limbaugh in the Republican Party than Colin Powell. (See what I mean, I can't help myself) Anyway, enjoy the pictures maybe tomorrow I will have something to say.

Lares Domestici

This is what duct tape looks like on a water pump. This particular application of tape is only about 25 years old and it's beginning to show its age. If you click on it you can find any number of faces etc., depending on your imagination, and ilk. In fact it's possible that it is the Iowa Vortex. This particular pump has been known to spew water even during the summer. But even with this undisputed evidence of a miracle, the duct tape is beginning to show wear. We can only assume that the Lares Domestici of the farm are giving us gardening omens.

Perhaps I'll catch a squirrel and divine the portents.

Coming to a Garden Near You

Above is the American Lepus Cuti Garbagecus it lives in most habitats created accidentally by humans. It is especially fond of the tender shoots of expensive perennials, but can survive on any plant you try to cultivate. They once ate most of Australia, but they were virtually wiped out by a bunny targeting virus. The survivors are now twenty feet tall and are immune to everything, even swine flu and cane toad venom. In this country they are not widely hunted except in Texas and some parts of southern Washington County. They are said to taste somewhat like a chicken that has been eating expensive perennials and garbage. Approved control methods are:

• Cut down your trees and cement over your yard
• Liberally sprinkle lion urine around your garden, if you don't have any, billy goat will do
• Humanely trap and move to a counsel person's yard or place of business
• Invite over someone from Brighton - tell them is will be a casual evening so they only have to bring one gun, but plenty of ammo
• Develop a taste for expensive perennial and garbage tinged chicken-like meat - many recipes available on the net

Thank you for your support...

Sparegrass

Here is but one spear of precious green ambrosia. It has thousands of twins just waiting for me to snap them off and put them into a non-recycle plastic grocery bag(s). More later...gotta go.

OK, I'm back. I am going into the world of car repair today - that's a manly man thing, so it is a requirement to do it. Today's project is to replace bad brake pads - it involves jacks, lug nuts, and some ratchetie tool things. It should be a good job for what is supposed to be a rainy afternoon. A detailed description of the project may ensue. The ensuement will be based on whether or not I can do it and keep the GP rating for this blog. Stand-by for more details.

Happy Cinco de Mayo

OK, before we start on the photo let's get the whole Cinco de Mayo thing straight. Cinco de Mayo is not Mexican Independence Day. It is a celebration of the battle of Puebla where the Mexicans defeated the French, at least for awhile. Anyway, amaze and impress your freinds by telling them this and you will be considered quite a historian, or they will think that you watched the History Channel last night. Now for the photo - it is an image of the restrooms at the hacienda near Chichen Itza. Today it is far from a hacienda, it is large bus magnent. At any given time there are tourists swarming over it waiting to get their buffet lunch and watch quaint Maya women dance with beer trays on their heads, yeah that's right round beer tray's. The food is good and the place is "nice" in a tourist sort of way.

So go to McDonald's today and have a Cinco de Mayo happy meal, and be sure to get your little plastic General Zaragoza figurine so that he can kick your Napoleon III figurine's plastic butt.

Thanks for your support...

Cubism Meets the Barn Quilts

Here is an example of a cubist barn quilt. It found its way into my pictures this morning. Since it was there, I decided to post it. If I didn't have to fix our stove...and you know all that manly man stuff, I'd write more on this.

Thank you for your support

Herding behaviour

Above you can see a clowder of farm cats. Though some of you may argue that they should be called a pounce of farm cats - that group name is for a group of exclusively young cats. Since we strive to maintain object clarity in all our posts. We are trying to figure out how we can talk about a number of ferrets. OK, I just want to say it's a "business" of ferrets. Don't even get me started about what a coffle is. Herding cats is a process of being a recognized food provider - if you are same they will follow you like pre-adolescent guided to a Hanna Montana movie. This works for a clowder of farm cats, as well as, urban house cats. The question that I have is why you would want to herd cats, if it's for the sake of just herding cats, it will just annoy them and they'll find a way to herd you back. They are not like people who can be herded in any number of ways:

• Pop Culture - will herd people into behaving in any number of ways that will be embarrassing to look back on in a year or even in a few months.
• Fashion - this might be considered a subset of Pop Culture except that this herds people to buy names rather than goods - it is one of the best ruses around.
• Popular Consent - if you don't agree with this, then well, you know, you can tweet me.

Advice for the day - when swimming avoid a shiver if you should see one - you know what happened to Louis Miller according to Kurt Weill.

Duel Post - Yard Shroom - Train Stuff

YardShroom
Today is a duel post - since the annual yard shroom popped up today I couldn't let that go by. The small picture is our annual yard shroom that pops up. It popped up through the mulch - just like all the dandelions will, I am sure of that. It is the true harbinger of spring, that and the Australians returning.

Train

Now something about trains - what the heck was it I was going to say. I remember, this the train that goes over Spruce Avenue. This is a particularly fretful situation because there are about 100,000,000 pigs in prison right next to the tracks. In the right weather conditions - like all of them imaginable - the exhaust fans are pumping out a million cubic feet per second of piggy stink. I think that they need to build huge smokestacks and draw the stink into the troposphere so that it could travel on the prevailing winds to Vermont or some other deserving place like Albany New York. We could call these stacks "Swine Flues".

Thank you for your support - welcome to the real spring.

Happy May Day - Beltrane or Whatever Comrades

Today is May Day, which in Iowa means road construction and May baskets. In the other parts of the world where they just don't understand market forces like we do, today is a celebration of workers. In these places they speak other languages and have funny food. Some of these places are actually in the good ol' USA. I speak of course of Vermont and Massachusetts, which of course are barely in the United States. Having served time in Vermont, I can personally vouch for this. It is the only state of the union that has a Beltane/May Day celebration on the statehouse lawn. Generally, in Iowa we keep our maypole dancing to ourselves, forget the whole Freudian thing with candles. So climb up on your Bulldozer, and knock down something. You'll feel better and it will keep all those tree-hugging green weirdoes away from our market economy.

Do your bit today and Shoes for Industry Comrade. If you still don't know what to do - go to your local cell leader and find out what your zone cadre needs.